I enjoy hypothetical situation games. Here is one of my favorites that I’ve pondered for years…
If I had a magic lamp, and a genie could grant me three wishes, what would I wish for?
Over the years I’ve come up with many different answers. Answers ranging from world peace to the perfect lover, to a new lego set. What would you wish for?
Here is my latest answer, and it’s been my answer for the last couple years. I would only have one wish. I wish for a deeper acceptance of what is. That’s it. No Ferrari, no unshakable confidence, no love for all mankind.
Why? Why with all of the things I could wish for would I choose something so… so… seemingly not different than what I currently have? I finally figured out what makes me happy. The more deeply I accept what is and who I really am, the happier I become. The less I fight reality, the more I embrace life with love and happiness. We’ve seen it time and time again, people with more things and more awesome skills aren’t necessarily happier. We see it, yet we forget it every day. What if you were so in love with yourself that every day of your life was pure bliss and joy? Would you need anything outside of yourself to achieve that? Is there anything in the world a genie could give you that would match the kind of intense happiness someone feels when they are totally and fully in love with themselves? Let me clarify what I mean by “in love with yourself”. Love is not passionate affection, personal attachment or adoration, it is uncompromising acceptance. When you are in love with yourself you are in total acceptance of who, what, where, when, how and why you are. The strange bump on your nose? Accept it. Your less than ideal childhood? Accept it. You are five foot nothing? Accept it. Your physical disability? Accept it. You were raised by alcoholic parents? Accept it. The love of your life dumped you? Accept it. Uncompromising acceptance.
If it’s true that all you need to do to be happy is accept yourself, how then can we achieve that? How do we become happy? I find that to be a misleading question. If we are to become happy, then we currently are not. Happiness is like the sun, it stays put while weather around it changes to create emotions. If we want to find the sun, we simply need to look for evidence that it exists. Sometimes we can look up into the sky, sometimes we see it shine through clouds off in the distance, sometimes at night there is no sun at all. We may not always see the sun, but the evidence of the sun is all around us. Look at all the life the sun has created. To find what we seek, we only need to gather evidence. What do you want to become in your life? What do you want more of? Are you waiting to see it in the future or are you looking for evidence that it already exists? We never know what the future will reveal to us, but we can look for evidence today of the things we want in our life. If you want to be happier, look for the happiness in your life right now. If you want to be more confident, look at the things in your life that confidence has created. If you want to be more loved, look at the ways in which you are already more loved than you could ever imagine. You may not see it, but the evidence is there.
Write down three things in your life you want to become. Instead of stressing about how to get those qualities, why not look for evidence they already exist? Instead of looking for it in the world, look for it in yourself.
Right now, as you read this, relax your body and feel the warmth radiating from you.
Feel the heat on your skin.
Pause.
Feel the warmth that has always been inside you.
Pause.
Maybe right now you are not in the sun, but can you feel it?
I love this piece. It might be your best piece thus far, in my own little world.
I love your little world
[...] This was previously published at The Male Blueprint. [...]
Hi Dave,
I attended your workshops at Burning Man this past year and your clarity (and humor) blew me away. I have always been fascinated by relationship dynamics, attraction, communication, and you had a great way of bringing the information to life in a fun way. So of course, I had to find your blog (and I apologize for not commenting sooner!)
I have been going through some tough times and obviously have been trying to find my own happiness. But you’re right–it’s not so much about finding as it is either a.) creating it or b.) appreciating what we DO have. Your analogy to the sun helped me internalize this concept a bit more–just because I’m not happy in a given moment does not mean that I do not have a happy life (just as the sun sets it rises).
It’s interesting you used the sun analogy, because during my most trying times, my mantra has been “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” The sun always rises, and I think it’s important to keep this in mind when we aren’t happy–happiness and all emotions are fleeting.
And thank you for offering your unique definition on love. I’ve always wanted to think that love is a choice and not something you become a slave to, and viewing it in regards to acceptance seems powerful. What are your thoughts on love being a choice and knowing when you are in love? I’d be curious to get the male/Dave Booda perspective.
To add on to your own ideas of acceptance, one theory I’ve noticed in my own life is that I’m happier when my perception meets the reality of things. If you have a distorted reality, like you thought by the age of 25 you were going to be a millionaire, famous, have a hot partner on your arm, with everything figured out and easy, you’re going to be in for one hell of an awakening! If that’s what your perception is of what life should be like at that point in time, than once that time rolls around and you aren’t there, your mind has created two opposite trains of thought that conflict–cognitive dissonance–which in turn causes anxiety. Your brain wants to make sense of things and it’s hard to do that with two opposing ideas. This is all a result of expectations not being aligned with what actually is happening. But again, if you accept the reality, that becomes your new perception, and then it’s as if your mind has achieved balance and homeostasis. Interesting ideas to ponder!
Again, thank you for your insight and I look forward to reading more of your insights!
Thank you Leigh! I definitely think love is a choice, just like acceptance. When it’s hardest to choose it is when we find out what we’re made of. For me, being in love (and I really think this varies for everyone) is when two people totally accept each other and it’s this feeling of “I love everything about you”. Are you near San Diego? I’m putting on some workshops here really similar to the ones at Burning Man.
Lots of love,
Dave