The Male Blueprint

This could be an entire book (and it just might someday) but for now what I’d like to focus on are the key principles.  I’ll even pick a number.  How about… 18?  Sound good?  Here they are…

1.  Be a leader.  If death and taxes are things we can’t avoid in life, men can add one more to the list… leadership.  It’s our job, and there’s no getting out of it.  If someone in a room becomes violently ill and there is a doctor in the room, everyone expects the doctor to help.  If you are on a date with a woman and a situation calls for a leader, it’s your job.   She is more than capable of doing it, and she will if you don’t, but you probably won’t be having sex with her that night.  You are the offspring of kings, warriors and great men, you were born a leader, don’t forget it.

2.  Stop trying.  During a recent Burning Man workshop I was leading, I found myself in a packed dome surrounded by 75 sweaty burners, there was a circle with a 2 ft radius of empty space for me to move around in, and I felt cramped and nervous.  I started to notice my body language shift to reflect this onset of anxiety.  I paused.  I asked myself “how would I be standing in this dome if there were no one here?”  I relaxed my hands.  I stopped moving my feet.  I released my hips and allowed my stomach to expand out.  I breathed slowly and calmly.  Sometimes all we need to do is take away whatever stimulus is causing our anxiety and act as if, often times that stimulus is women.  Just like the guy driving the huge truck, we all unconsciously compensate for what we think we lack.  Women notice.

3.  Set the Terms.  A relationship is an agreement, and it’s your job to set the terms of that agreement.  That doesn’t mean you discard what she wants, it means you be a leader, and make the decision that’s best for the relationship.  She will look to you to make this happen, and if you leave it up to her it won’t make either one of you happy.

4.  Get naked.  Literally.  Stop being ashamed of your naked body.  Every chance you get, take off your clothes and encourage others to do it as well.  The more comfortable you are with your body the more/better sex you will have.

5.  Live with an abundance mindset.  This is the best way to stop yourself from being needy.  “What would Brad Pitt do?”  That question will clear up 99% of the hang ups men have when it comes to corresponding with women they just met.  There are literally millions of girls in this world, you only need one, and the more you fear losing her the bigger the chance you will.

6.  Stop listening to women.  If you asked 100 women “how do you want men to treat you”, compiled those responses and treated women that way, you would fail miserably.  Does this sound crazy?  Yes, and it doesn’t make any sense.  Women know what they want, but they are terrible at explaining it to men.  Instead of giving open ended questions ask her multiple choice or yes/no questions.  “Do you like it when I touch you here?”, “What room in the house turns you on the most?”, “Do you feel like Italian food or Greek food tonight?”  Women are great at feeling into the best answer, but not so good at thinking up a solution.

7.  Be a memorable kisser.  This is one of the only good things Hollywood consistently teaches men.  Follow these steps.

1. Find a wall or immovable object.
2. Push your women up against the wall so you hear a “thud”.
3. Half-smile.
4. Kiss her like you’re going off to war.

8.  Stop creating a double standard for integrity.  It’s 4pm, the CEO of a major corporation who has won leadership awards up the ying yang calls a meeting tomorrow at 10am with a new client.  Right after that he calls his wife and says he will be home by 6pm.  Which one is he more likely to be on time for?  If he rolls in at 6:10pm some people would actually think that’s pretty good, considering he was only 10 minutes late and “you know…. I had to work late”.  We have a double standard when it comes to relationships.  Our word is simply that, our word, it doesn’t matter if it’s with a billion dollar Japanese client or our 4 year old daughter.  WOMEN ALWAYS NOTICE.  Not only do they notice when we don’t do what we say, but it rocks their system.  When women don’t do what they say men react with disappointment, but generally we don’t lose attraction for the woman.  When a man is not his word, it effects every cell of a woman’s body.  She no longer trusts him, loses physical attraction for him and will begin to resent him for not being his word.  Break this rule at your own risk.

9.  Learn how to communicate through touch.  Every man that is attractive to women is comfortable with touching.  The easiest way to do this is to learn how to give a massage.  It doesn’t have to be complicated, just learn the basics and practice it on your friends and lovers.  This one skill alone will drastically change your love life with women.

10.  Look her in the eyes.  Nothing is more powerful than eye contact.  Your eyes communicate more in three seconds that you can in an entire conversation.  Train yourself to maintain eye contact with women (and men) and push through the fear.  It’s uncomfortable, but the results will astound you.

11.  Be careful how much you objectify women.  The purpose of a cup is to drink liquid.  The purpose of a couch is to sit on.  If you are finding that a woman is fulfilling a purpose in your life, you are objectifying her in some way.  Instead of seeing her as a person who is complex you see her as a simple object that serves a purpose.  No one likes being objectified and both men and women have experienced this.  Get in touch with how it feels when you feel like someone only sees you for one purpose.  The more you can avoid doing this in your relationships with women the happier you will be.

12.  Stop the habit of apologizing.  Most people have trained themselves to apologize as an impulse, rather than a choice.  When we bump into someone we say “sorry” instead of “excuse me”.  We send the message that we are ashamed of ourselves, because that’s how we were taught to act as a 6 year old kid.

13.  Reframe rejection.  There are a lot of women out there, and if you want to find one that’s a great match and not just a good match, you will have to ask and get “rejected”.  Feeling rejected is a choice, and you may choose to make whatever meaning you want.  Take a moment and come to terms with what that means for you.  For me, I think to myself “she hasn’t gotten to know me at all, too bad, but I understand since she’s only had 10-20 seconds”.  Find your own meaning.

14.  Express yourself like a black man.  Have you ever noticed the way some black men express how a beautiful woman makes them feel?  The expression of attraction is in no way what they think, it’s what they feel.  “Mmmmm, damn girl!  Your body is rocking my world right now!” (please forgive me, that’s the best impression of a black guy I can do with writing).    Most men tell a woman what they think, if they even express themselves at all.  Really check in with your body.  Your body lights up when a beautiful woman is in your presence!  Your heart beats faster, you feel warm inside, you lick your lips, you can’t help but smile, you get an erection, all these things are happening and it’s okay to acknowledge them!

15.  Be a lover AND a fighter.  Who are the two sexiest movie stars today?  Hugh Jackman and Gerard Butler.  Why?  Hugh Jackman kicked some ass as Wolverine and Gerard Butler kicked some ass in 300.  If you are a lover and you don’t kick some ass, you will never be as attractive to women as the guy who can do both.  Look at Twilight.  Why was Robert Pattinson’s character so attractive?  It’s because when he wasn’t spooning Kristen Stewart he was out kicking ass as a vampire.  Have a rough side, and if you don’t, make one.

16.  Stop thinking your abs matter.  Sean Stephenson is a 3-foot tall, wheel chair bound man who meets, attracts and has sex with beautiful women.  If you think looks matter, look him up, he’s not a classically handsome man.  Why do we as men think looks play such an important role in attracting women?  We’re using our own playbook.  Our playbook for feeling attraction is when we see a woman who is physically attractive, we feel attraction, end of story.  We want a woman with a  flat stomach so we assume women want the same thing in men.  We think women work the same way as men, and we’re dead wrong.  What women really care about is what our looks say about us.  If we are 50 pounds overweight it means we have no self-discipline.  If we dress like a slob it means we don’t take pride in how we show up in the world.

17.  Be assertive.  When you reach a 4-way stop at the same time as another car what happens?  Do you wave the other car on while they simultaneously wave you on until it becomes a race to see who can be less assertive?  Save everyone the trouble and just GO.  When you see a beautiful woman don’t linger around the bar for 5 minutes waiting for something to happen that will make it easier, be assertive and go talk to her.  You will be amazed at how this quality will effect the rest of your life.

18.  Remember who you are not.  We’re going to get spiritual here.  You are not the puppet, you are the puppet master.  When we complain that “our puppet” isn’t confident, we are forgetting that we are not the puppet, we are that which controls the puppet.  If you need to gather the strength to take a bold action, remember that you aren’t that which needs the strength, you are the strength.  Overcoming fear is an exercise in remembering who you are not and allowing yourself to get back into the drivers seat of your life.

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